Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Saying Goodbye Is Just Hard To Do...

Ya know recently, I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life the past 28 years going on 29. (Wow...) I've specifically been remembering the past 5 years I have been here in Ft. Lauderdale. I've thought about all the people who have come and all the ones who have gone. God having a purpose, of course, for each person being in my life.

In days past, it was always easier for me to say goodbye if I was going somewhere else. Sure, I missed them at times, but usually, I was better able to cope if I thought I had another exciting journey ahead to a new destination. As a child, I moved every 2 to 3 years because of my dad's job and just get used to it.

I grew to enjoy moving after awhile. Now, however, I think about this week and my closest friends who are saying yet another goodbye. I've seen this time and time again, but something about these particular departures struck a cord in my heart. It's the people who are closest to me that I have the hardest time letting go. Sometimes there are those aquaintances and friends that you just let go of. However, these are different. They are my family.

Ironically enough, these same people are also the ones who heard me dreaming of my "call" to the nations and all the places I KNEW God would send me, but here we are today and they are off on their own adventures with the Lord. I am so happy and excited for them, but yet, I have to be honest, I feel left behind. Did I miss the boat? I just know I will go too, but why am I still here? In my mind, I just can't comprehend it.

Even James Hackney said to me Saturday at Mel, and the Weeks's going away party, "Ya know Kat, I thought we would be giving you one of these going away parties, but you're still here." I couldn't help but think, "Yeah, I am STILL here. What the heck? Why? Is there something wrong?"

In all of this, deep down inside of me, I know God is up to something. He's teaching me how to stop running away from the trials in life and escaping reality. I picture myself like the hamster. You know the one who is running, running, running on that spinning wheel, but getting absolutely no where!

I also liken the Lord to be like One who is keeping me on the wheel until I just stop running, rest, and trust Him. I also know, deep down inside, that He is making me face these fears of letting go to show me that I'm not abandoned or left behind. I haven't missed the Greyhound, but I'm right in the center of His will, painful as it may seem, and it is painful.

I have a friend who stays closer than a mother, closer than a brother, and He will never leave. These elementary teachings are so simple, yet so profound. How much do I truly walk them out in my day to day life? Yet, I have a hope and a glimpse of more understanding that God really loves me. The question, however, still remains, "When can I go Lord?" Then I hear a response deep within my soul, a still small voice say, "It's going to be okay, just breathe, I got this one."

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