Friday, April 23, 2010

The Hiding Place...

"Every time I lose it, I lose it my way, but You're the one that helps me find it. I find it Your way." This quote is from Dave Fitzerald's new album called Hope of Heaven. This one part is sung by Chris McClarney, and it penetrates right to my heart. This song has been on repeat in my head over the past few days and God is speaking to me through these words as I repeat them over and over.

The song is called "Good." The truth is He is the one that leads me to find "it" His way when I have lost it going my way. You see, over the past few weeks I have been through another battle and almost at the end of this multiple year struggle. That is, the battle for my identity as a daughter.

As I sit here today in my office not knowing what to do and feeling so uncomfortable to not be doing anything regarding ministry tonight, it's a strange feeling. "You have the night off from singing," Justin told me on Wednesday, a day that I am quite familiar with practicing for the week end, week out Friday night service with our Church. I have been doing this for about 7 years now. Yet, every time I find myself getting a "break," I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I have felt somewhat useless.

Can I be content with being a daughter and be okay with that? What if I never sang ever again? What if I never traveled to another country again? Would I be okay?

Another  question that was asked of me this week from one of my leaders was, "Why are you truly here?" I know the correct answer in my head. Yet, sometimes my heart doesn't get it. The answer: "God has me here. He has called me to this city and He has a purpose and a plan for my life here." However, my heart, at times, has felt other things. It has sometimes forgotten why I am here. It has sometimes forgotten the vision of why God brought me here in the first place.

It has been a 7 year long up and down roller coaster. At times, I have felt the wilderness like no other time in my life. I have even felt like God has forgotten about me. I have felt like He brought me here just to leave me behind.

Yet, looking back on all of it now, I see that it was Him who was here. He's been here the whole time. He never left me. In fact, within all of these woundings in ministry and all of these disillusionments, I have seen His goodness like none other time.

I have seen His faithfulness even in the pain. There have been wrong choices and bad mistakes that have left me on my face and on my knees, but I'm still alive. I survived. I am still breathing. I overcame and I'm still here!

He has been here. He, in fact, has saved me from myself. He has saved me from the "could've beens" and I am thankful. One day, I will understand all of this even more and I will see exactly why He has done what He did. I can't wait until that day, but until then I want to choose to trust Him.

So here I sit, longing at times to rest and not be seen at all. Here I sit, with a desire at times to be hidden away and go unnoticed so that I can finally be the observer instead of being seen by everyone else.

Here I sit, with God giving me a gift of just resting and being a daughter. He's pleased with me in this place! I don't have to earn His favor or the favor of men because of my works or giftings! I can be free to be me.  So here I sit, in the hiding place. I will find it Your way Father.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A Clean Slate And A Fresh Start...

What is it when you get in these places in life where you don't really feel that much? Yet, at the same time, you know something big is happening all around you. The past few days have been so crazy, I haven't had time to process them really. Part of me has been avoiding the "process" part of it. I get tired of thinking sometimes, don't you?

Sometimes we can think ourselves away into misery. Must we analyze everything? I think there is a way we can just be at peace knowing He has it all under control. Not that I have reached that level perfectly yet, but I want to believe that He is working all of these things out for our good.

Recently, I have been faced with the doors being shut on all my past mistakes. I was faced with a choice of shutting the doors or leaving them open only to prolong this process. Those doors regarded relationships and other issues the Lord was highlighting in my heart. They were painful to revisit and painful to shut but, never the less, they were closed.

As I sit here listening to Priscilla Ahn's "Dream," I am reminded that there are dreams in my heart that I have never shared with anyone because I never truly believed they were possible.

Now that all of these doors are closed and I am off to a new start, I almost feel like there are not only dreams I have held onto for so long that are coming, but I feel like new dreams are on the way. I feel like there are dreams coming that I have never even thought of before.

This is quite the strangest feeling, but I feel now that the doors are truly closed, I don't even want to go back to them anymore. For the first time in my life I feel like there is truly a blank, clean slate and a whole new page of life to start. It's kind of scary and exciting all at the same time.

I feel like it took a lot of courage to get to this place too and I feel the love of the Father looking at me with a sense of pride and joy. For the first time, I actually feel His smile over my life and His joy in what He has for me.

Let's let go of the things of the past and truly move on. Let's stop letting things hold us back from what God has for us today. There are many things we won't understand and in this world we will have many troubles, but take heart, for He has overcome them all. Today is going to be a good day and this year of 2010 will top the charts. I believe it.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Opposite...

The only thing the enemy can do is bring us back to the Lord, which is the way it should be anyway. What is the opposite of what he wants to do in your life? "Instead of lies, have faith!" -Graham Cooke. God sees the opposite of what we see or feel. It's time for us to move forward and move on. We have too much to do and no more time to waste. It's time for us to begin to look up instead of here. It's time for us to love instead of hit back for love always wins. It never fails!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Kingdom Protocol...

Protocol: (As in the definition of Webster's Dictionary) "a code prescribing strict adherence to correct etiquette and precedence (as in diplomatic exchange and in the military services)." As royalty in the kingdom of Heaven, women, especially should never settle for less than the kingdom protocol.

If there is a breach in that protocol, it should not be a question as to if she should respond with a yes in her heart.  Women deserve to be treated with the utmost respect as is in the kingdom protocol, "a strict adherence to correct etiquette" such as honor with actions, words, deeds, and eyes. Let the women believe they are royalty in God's house! Nothing less will do.