"Every time I lose it, I lose it my way, but You're the one that helps me find it. I find it Your way." This quote is from Dave Fitzerald's new album called Hope of Heaven. This one part is sung by Chris McClarney, and it penetrates right to my heart. This song has been on repeat in my head over the past few days and God is speaking to me through these words as I repeat them over and over.
The song is called "Good." The truth is He is the one that leads me to find "it" His way when I have lost it going my way. You see, over the past few weeks I have been through another battle and almost at the end of this multiple year struggle. That is, the battle for my identity as a daughter.
As I sit here today in my office not knowing what to do and feeling so uncomfortable to not be doing anything regarding ministry tonight, it's a strange feeling. "You have the night off from singing," Justin told me on Wednesday, a day that I am quite familiar with practicing for the week end, week out Friday night service with our Church. I have been doing this for about 7 years now. Yet, every time I find myself getting a "break," I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I have felt somewhat useless.
Can I be content with being a daughter and be okay with that? What if I never sang ever again? What if I never traveled to another country again? Would I be okay?
Another question that was asked of me this week from one of my leaders was, "Why are you truly here?" I know the correct answer in my head. Yet, sometimes my heart doesn't get it. The answer: "God has me here. He has called me to this city and He has a purpose and a plan for my life here." However, my heart, at times, has felt other things. It has sometimes forgotten why I am here. It has sometimes forgotten the vision of why God brought me here in the first place.
It has been a 7 year long up and down roller coaster. At times, I have felt the wilderness like no other time in my life. I have even felt like God has forgotten about me. I have felt like He brought me here just to leave me behind.
Yet, looking back on all of it now, I see that it was Him who was here. He's been here the whole time. He never left me. In fact, within all of these woundings in ministry and all of these disillusionments, I have seen His goodness like none other time.
I have seen His faithfulness even in the pain. There have been wrong choices and bad mistakes that have left me on my face and on my knees, but I'm still alive. I survived. I am still breathing. I overcame and I'm still here!
He has been here. He, in fact, has saved me from myself. He has saved me from the "could've beens" and I am thankful. One day, I will understand all of this even more and I will see exactly why He has done what He did. I can't wait until that day, but until then I want to choose to trust Him.
So here I sit, longing at times to rest and not be seen at all. Here I sit, with a desire at times to be hidden away and go unnoticed so that I can finally be the observer instead of being seen by everyone else.
Here I sit, with God giving me a gift of just resting and being a daughter. He's pleased with me in this place! I don't have to earn His favor or the favor of men because of my works or giftings! I can be free to be me. So here I sit, in the hiding place. I will find it Your way Father.
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