Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Oh That My Heart Would Not Grow Dull!

Okay, so a few weeks go by... and another few weeks go by and all the while, I find even in the midst of continuous conversation with God, I have no fire anymore. The sense of the Holy Spirit is so dry. All the things I have tried to muster up Jesus showing up at the foot of my bed, didn't seem to work.
I prayed a prayer, "Jesus give me wisdom and revelation and open the eyes of my heart to see you!" A few weeks go by, however, and nothing seems to happen.
I then begin to question who He is. "I thought you liked me? I thought I was your favorite one? I thought you said, You wanted to come? I just don't get it."
Afterwards, I slowly move into a lack of faith, which leads to laziness, lethargy, passivity, and another going through the motions few more weeks.
Oh that my heart would not grow dull! I have to confess this here and now before the world, one of my biggest fears is that I will turn away from the Lord or my heart will grow cold. Why? Because I know the tendencies of my own heart to stray. If I know the tendencies of my own heart, I know the Lord knows them! He knows what is in the depths of my soul! He knows how deceptive my heart is, but yet, He entrusts me with so many things!
I am not saying that I am backsliding, but I will say how easily it is for me to grow comfortable in this life and how suttle it can creep in.
I found myself the other day curled up on the couch, watching the Home and Garden channel, trying to figure out which dream home I would like to live in, while drinking my Starbucks coffee, snuggled in my new blanket. I also found myself the other day walking through Anthropology (one of my favorite stores) and imagining having a wealthy husband to let me shop all day and enjoy the lifestyle of a cute dream home all the while looking great in my fashionable clothes!

Oh what dreams I have! What the heck? Not that I am saying any of these things are bad, but where is my heart dwelling? How easy it is for me to listen to a few Dave Matthews or Yael Naim songs and get caught up with a comfortable life instead of getting captivated by the presence of Jesus!
Where is my heart? Where your heart is, there is your treasure. Where the heck is my treasure? In this earth? I just have to resist this temptation that my life is a pottery barn, soccer mom, shops all day kind of life! Yet again, allow me to reiterate,these are not all bad things, but this is not where I am going!

You think I am being religious? Good, perfect start, maybe you should examine your own heart because the fact that you are prone to thinking people are religious is just another example that you are feeling too guilty, too prideful, and feeling too much shame to confess it to Him. Trust me, I have been you and I am you a lot of the time.

Let's get real people and fess up! We do not have time to be wasting away in a laty da laty da life! What makes us think that actually pressing into the presence of the Lord more passionately would be boring? What holds us back from going deeper with Him? Why is there so much stinkin compromise, lethargy, lack of motivation, laziness, and lack of faith in our hearts to believe that He is who He says that He is?!

He satisfies us! He really does! It's not about how I feel or even what I believe. The truth is that He really satisfies the deepest part of my heart and my every need. The more I run to other things, the more my heart grows distant from Him. This is the very misery that I could dwell in if I choose it. It's time for me to choose to love even when I don't feel it. It's time for me to believe...

Oh that my heart would not grow dull! Oh Lord keep my eyes on You, and please give to me a willing spirit and a steadfast heart that I would not turn away!

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