It's Me and You Alone God...

"You hold my every moment, You calm my raging sea, You walk with me through fire, and heal all my disease. I trust in You. I trust in You. I believe You're my Healer. I believe You are all I need. I believe You are more than enough for me. Jesus You're all I need." These words to a new song called "Healer" have been ringing in my ears for months now. Today, I heard it over and over again and just couldn't get enough of it.

I might get in trouble for sharing what's really on my heart. However, I want the reader to understand, that in ministry, none of us are perfect. I know you may know that, but honestly, what are some people's mentality? They put us up on a pedestal where we don't belong. I feel like I'm in an AA meeting where I have to say, "Hi, my name is Mary Katherine, I am a worship leader, and I have struggles." Who would have thought?

You think about David and his Psalms. What did the Psalmist do? He poured His heart out to God regarding his struggles. Yes, I like to write funny stories, have a good time, and love to laugh yet, there are difficult things I battle with deep inside me too that not many people see.

Not that I am going to share every struggle to this public audience no matter who you are and how close you are to me, but I would like to put away this lie that people in ministry have it all together. Let's just be honest...we don't! I said it! Sometimes, there are relationship problems regarding people you came to minister to in a city close to 7 years ago where you had no idea who these people were and how important they would be in your life.

You find yourself connecting with different people at so many different levels. Some people will connect to you in an intimate way more than others. Over the years, God changes your life through these people and the trials you face with them. People will come and people will go.

There are also some days, where it's hard to smile when you really don't feel like it. Yet, there are some days, you just gotta suck it up and trust God. In leadership, you don't have the luxury to just give up.

It's like a race. You fall, you get skinned up, and get back up. You have to be reminded that you are still in the race and it's not over yet. For most leaders in ministry, this pattern continues in seasons over and over again. Some people give up and just walk away. Others stick it out until the end. My hope is that I will be faithful till the end, but there are some who don't make it.

Recently, I have just been struggling. Battles have been coming my way and sometimes, they just seem too overwhelming. I have also realized that this journey of struggle has to be with me and God. At times, I seem to be fighting it though wanting people to understand and walk through the fire with me. It seems too much to face to go it alone and let Him into the deepest part of the pain in my heart. Yet, some journeys have to be with just you and Him. Some people call this a "Wilderness Experience." I don't know if you can relate.

In the wilderness, even day to day things, if I let the circumstances get to me, can become too much to handle. Sometimes I even think, "A break down is coming soon, I just know it!" Then, out of nowhere, there is another reminder of who I am and who He is in me and I end up surviving the trial. I even get the picture that my favorite Coach and Father is there to help me finish this race.

It's an image where I have fallen on my face flat to the asphault and then, God reaches for my hand. I barely grasp it, and He pulls me up. Except, He doesn't just pick me up, He holds my arm and runs with me! It's powerful to me and He always seems to show this picture at the perfect time just when I feel like I'm about to give up.

This is a race where there will be trials, there will be struggles, but we are gonna make it. We may even feel alone, but He is with us. One day, the words: "We shall overcome" will ring through our streets, in our homes, and we will actually believe it. We just have to keep our eyes fixed on the prize of the greatest man who ever lived and keep pressing onward. If we are in Jesus, we are more than conquerors...that's a promise.

Maybe This World Does Not Revolve Around Me...

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong? Take, for example, yesterday? So I was in the Publix grocery store getting some lunch during my lunch break thinking about my day, the tasks that needed to be done, and how I had to get back soon to make sure this and that and this and that got accomplished (you know the drill).

As I was walking out of the store, I noticed that the sky looked quite ominous and thought to myself, "I would hate to get stuck in this storm." I finally got to my car right before the floodgates of Heaven were unleashed, stuck my keys in the ignition, turned it, and you guessed it, it didn't turn on! Now that put a "damper" on my day, no pun intended.

What you may not know is this was not the first, not the second, but the THIRD time in a matter of 3 months that my car had been acting up. I was thinking, "When it rains, it pours." I was also thinking, "What the heck? I just got a new starter!" Fortunately, I had some very good friends to help me with my pickle of a situation.

I was quickly rescued but I needed to figure out what to do in the mean time. "Should I call Triple A, get someone to help bang on the starter, or jump start the car?" You know those thoughts that run through your head in times of car troubles.

When I finally arrived back at the church and called Triple A, I was quite distraught and very frustrated that this was the 3rd time happening to me. I was thinking, "God, of ALL the times that this could be happening, why now? Woe is me, woe is me!"

Let's have a really good pity party shall we? You can provide the cheese to go with my wonderful whining and dining! Yes, I was feeling very sorry for myself, when all of a sudden, a man and his wife were standing right in front of me looking as if they were REALLY needing help.

A few moments later, after I got out of my narcissistic cloud, I realized that they were homeless and needed a place to stay for themelves and their 2 children who had been living in their van for 8 weeks. The children were about to be taken from them because of their circumstance. The husband had a brain tumor, was on dialysis, and their house burned down in an electrical fire. Now, how much of the story was actually true, I don't know.

However, he had all of the proof that his situation was real and very serious. He even had medical documents and proof that his children were in their van. I talked with them for quite awhile and I couldn't help but have compassion on them. Especially the man who was longing to provide for his family but couldn't. As he began to cry, tears started welling up in my own eyes. One of the statements I will always remember him saying was: "We're just so tired."

I thought, "What do I know about hardship or being tired?" My problems just didn't compare to this difficult circumstance. We did as much as we could to help them and they went about their way. They did come to church that night, which I was so glad to see. However, I couldn't stop thinking about them. What was going to happen to their family? Would their children be okay?

Their faces were etched in my memory for life. What else could I have done for them? I didn't want to put a bandage on the wound, but I wanted to solve the problem. Could I have done more than just pray for them? There had to be more and there had to be an answer.

Anyway, it was just a moment in life where I took a good look at my own heart to see that my simple little trials that I have been facing could be so much worse. I should be thankful for all that God has given me. If I would just take the focus off of myself for a minute, what could I do? Could I let His Light shine instead of living a life of introspection? The Spirit of the living God lives within me. All I have to do is let Him out, and let Him have His way.

The Simple Things of Life...

Well, they are just more fun! You know the simple things in life. Tonight, I just hung out with 3 little girls, a mom, her baby, and a good friend. I had so much fun! I got sucked into playing a card game known as "Phase 10" and while I usually don't like playing games, I quite enjoyed this game! I couldn't believe myself! I got so competitive with a 7 and a 9 year old! I honestly couldn't believe my own behavior.

Anyway, driving home tonight, I realized that the late night hanging out till 3:00 in the morning with "singles" my age or the 20 somethings never really has appealed to me. You know the big groups of people where you hang out till hours and hours in the late night?

My generation usually is known for this, but I just can't do it! Just give me a few people who I am really close to and give me a few hours of eating and chilling out. As long as I can get to bed by 11:00 p.m., it's way more attractive. I don't know if it's my age or if it's just how I'm wired, but I tend to gravitate to all the married people and their families. Oh well, to each his own...

A Little Randomness is Good for the Soul...

So I've discovered a little getaway I like to go to on Thursdays that helps keep me sane. It's so quiet and tranquil. Today, I found myself sitting in the pool by myself just staring at the lake. Only two other people were there which was nice. One man was just reading his book keeping to himself and an older Jewish lady was taking a nap. Now, the atmosphere reminded me of a Seventies South Florida style of architecture. Most of you who live here know what I am talking about. I really like this place because usually, the only people who live there are older people who are retired and enjoy resting a lot! It motivates me to do the same!

Anyway, I was just staring at the lake contemplating the next chapter of life to write about as I usually do when I'm alone. All of a sudden from one of the homes nearby came the sound of old, bluegrass, country music that sounded what I think to be Hank Williams? No, not Hank Williams, Jr., Hank Williams. THE Hank Williams. Yeah, it was pretty classic country music. Now, I am thinking to myself, "Whoah, I love this stuff! I haven't heard this music in awhile!" Then I continued sitting there for a few minutes checking to see if anyone was hearing what I was hearing.

No one seemed to notice, so I just sat there, and smiled! I was laughing to myself actually. I thought, "Who listens to this stuff down here?" I felt taken back to the days in Alabama where that kind of music is usually common in most backyards or on trips to the lake, however, I felt like it was really out of place! As random as it was, I wanted to take in the moment as much as I could.

Have you ever done that? Wished you had a video camera to record the odd events in life so you could forever remember them? In addition to all of the music in the atmosphere serenading us as we laid out by the pool, I felt like I was in another decade but not quite sure if it was the 50's, 60's, or 70's. Perhaps, my bathing suit didn't help much as I was wearing a bright pink suit that looked like something Audrey Hepburn would have worn. Did I mention it had polka dots? I must admit, I did feel a little awkward.

Of course, this was not my bathing suit, but due to my forgetfulness, I had to borrow it from a friend who will remain anonymous. Not the first choice for me, but for her, yeah, of course. Anyway, I am losing my direction of thoughts! Oh, yes, so all that to say it was quite an odd day. This moment in history ended with me walking out to a little ditty from Toby Keith called "How Do You Like Me Now." Which, by the way, was classic if you know anything about this song. If you don't, I do, and that's all that matters in this particular circumstance and regarding my life at the moment. It was just funny and almost like a movie.

In closing, my goal of having a a good dose of relaxation and tranquility for the day was accomplished. I recommend it to anyone, but don't just soak up the sun, soak in the moment.

The end.

A Child Will Lead Them...

Have you ever noticed that children are usually happy just being? They just are. I love playing with kids because it reminds me that I have a capability of being carefree too. I had a good time yesterday playing with Hezekiah and Silas, children of some really good friends of mine.

We jumped, we danced, we twirled, we leaped, we crawled, and even played hide and seek. Whew! I didn't know I had that much energy in me! I felt like a kid again. Now, granted, when I woke up this morning, I sure didn't feel very young.

I felt 80 something with sore muscles, achy joints, and a wounded back! However, thinking back to those few moments I had with those little toddlers, reminded me that if I could just find my sense of childlikeness, how much more joy I would have! I could just be and be okay with that! Talking to Tanya Brasington was encouraging this afternoon as we ate lunch over an amazingly scrumptious bagel sandwich of hers.

She said, "Ya know, it's being content in every season of life that keeps you going and gives you a better perspective." She is sooo right! In the midst of every season, there is something to treasure. As a season ends, a new one is already beginning, and you never can be certain when each will end.

Shall I take the opportunity to learn as much as I can while I have the chance? There is a beauty to be found in a season of ease, or a season of hardship. What is it that God has for me to see and experience? Perhaps it's the children who can show me the way.

Annoyingly Sentimental...

Okay, so maybe I'm a little sentimental these days. Alright, so sue me! My best friend just moved to Kansas City, my other friends are moving on Thursday, my other best friend left me on my birthday to go to Mexico, my other friend went to Minnesota, another really close roommate of mine went to India, and all in the same week as my 29th birthday. Oh, and did I mention, I am going to my 10 year High School Reunion in August?

Did I mention that I will be going as one, single? You know like single cheeseburgers that you order at the McDonald's? "Yes I would like to order, not a double, but a SINGLE cheeseburger only!" I am not bitter, gosh I hope I do not sound bitter. Yes, I know that I am one AMAZING woman of God, so what's so bad about going to a high school reunion by myself? I tried to get my younger brother to go with me, but he is not willing to pay 50 bucks, (little cheap skate). Anyway, it is a mile marker year I tell you mile marker...

In closing, the other day as we were at yet another "See Ya Later" party with some of our friends sitting by the pool, I said out loud, "I should look at the sky more often." I was laying with my feet at the head of the pool chair and my head was laying where the feet belong just staring up at the sky. It was interesting the response I received after that comment. Robert Eiserloh: "That's why you get a sunroof! Those are nice!" James Hackney: "Why would you want to look at the sky here? You can't even see anything, no stars, no nothin." Johnny Sciara, "My car broke down once in the Everglades and as I got out to fix the problem, I saw the sky and it was so amazing that I just ended up sitting on the roof of my car for awhile staring at the stars. " It's interesting to see the different perspectives each of us have during different seasons of our lives.

Whether it be rain or shine, winter or spring, if I would just look up at the sky more, or go see a mountain, I might be reminded that the cares of this life aren't as big as I think. There are things much bigger and much more important in life than the worries of the world. "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." The famous words from the most peaceful man that ever lived, Jesus Christ.

Anyway, all that to say, it's not too bad to think about your life once in awhile and the things that you should really be thankful for, but who will add an extra day to their life by worrying about it? Love the life God has given you, have a little peace, close your eyes, and just go to sleep. It's all gonna be okay, no really, it's all going to be okay.

Saying Goodbye Is Just Hard To Do...

Ya know recently, I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life the past 28 years going on 29. (Wow...) I've specifically been remembering the past 5 years I have been here in Ft. Lauderdale. I've thought about all the people who have come and all the ones who have gone. God having a purpose, of course, for each person being in my life.

In days past, it was always easier for me to say goodbye if I was going somewhere else. Sure, I missed them at times, but usually, I was better able to cope if I thought I had another exciting journey ahead to a new destination. As a child, I moved every 2 to 3 years because of my dad's job and well...you just get used to it.

I grew to enjoy moving after awhile. Now, however, I think about this week and my closest friends who are saying yet another goodbye. I've seen this time and time again, but something about these particular departures struck a cord in my heart. It's the people who are closest to me that I have the hardest time letting go. Sometimes there are those aquaintances and friends that you just let go of. However, these are different. They are my family.

Ironically enough, these same people are also the ones who heard me dreaming of my "call" to the nations and all the places I KNEW God would send me, but here we are today and they are off on their own adventures with the Lord. I am so happy and excited for them, but yet, I have to be honest, I feel left behind. Did I miss the boat? I just know I will go too, but why am I still here? In my mind, I just can't comprehend it.

Even James Hackney said to me Saturday at Mel, and the Weeks's going away party, "Ya know Kat, I thought we would be giving you one of these going away parties, but you're still here." I couldn't help but think, "Yeah, I am STILL here. What the heck? Why? Is there something wrong?"

In all of this, deep down inside of me, I know God is up to something. He's teaching me how to stop running away from the trials in life and escaping reality. I picture myself like the hamster. You know the one who is running, running, running on that spinning wheel, but getting absolutely no where!

I also liken the Lord to be like One who is keeping me on the wheel until I just stop running, rest, and trust Him. I also know, deep down inside, that He is making me face these fears of letting go to show me that I'm not abandoned or left behind. I haven't missed the Greyhound, but I'm right in the center of His will, painful as it may seem, and it is painful.

I have a friend who stays closer than a mother, closer than a brother, and He will never leave. These elementary teachings are so simple, yet so profound. How much do I truly walk them out in my day to day life? Yet, I have a hope and a glimpse of more understanding that God really loves me. The question, however, still remains, "When can I go Lord?" Then I hear a response deep within my soul, a still small voice say, "It's going to be okay, just breathe, I got this one."

God Is Sooooo Good!

Heather, Bianca, Steph, and me on our game night!












Bianca, Nikol, and me...











Bonding time in Delray Beach...
















So I have just come to be reminded as of this week and probably every day of my life that God is soooo good! He has given me so many blessings that I just don't understand! He loves me when I run, He loves me when I hide, and He is not changed or swayed in any other direction, but He pursues me anyway! Wow! He is just so good. I have been blessed to have such an amazing house of girls! These pictures show the 4 wonderful roommates I have and one of my best friends! Each girl has a unique and beautiful personality and God is just so good! He has surrounded me with such an amazing family of people to live with and work with! I am just amazed!

However, I will not be seeing 2 of my greatest friends as much very soon. Stephanie is getting married in about a month, which is craziness around our house. We are all in the wedding and very excited about it! Melanie is also leaving for International House of Prayer(IHOP) in Kansas City, Missouri. Despite, all of these transitions, God still brings more amazing people in my life continuously and blesses me with even more great relationships! He is soooo good!















One of my best friends Melanie and me

Oh That My Heart Would Not Grow Dull!

Okay, so a few weeks go by... and another few weeks go by and all the while, I find even in the midst of continuous conversation with God, I have no fire anymore. The sense of the Holy Spirit is so dry. All the things I have tried to muster up Jesus showing up at the foot of my bed, didn't seem to work.
I prayed a prayer, "Jesus give me wisdom and revelation and open the eyes of my heart to see you!" A few weeks go by, however, and nothing seems to happen.
I then begin to question who He is. "I thought you liked me? I thought I was your favorite one? I thought you said, You wanted to come? I just don't get it."
Afterwards, I slowly move into a lack of faith, which leads to laziness, lethargy, passivity, and another going through the motions few more weeks.
Oh that my heart would not grow dull! I have to confess this here and now before the world, one of my biggest fears is that I will turn away from the Lord or my heart will grow cold. Why? Because I know the tendencies of my own heart to stray. If I know the tendencies of my own heart, I know the Lord knows them! He knows what is in the depths of my soul! He knows how deceptive my heart is, but yet, He entrusts me with so many things!
I am not saying that I am backsliding, but I will say how easily it is for me to grow comfortable in this life and how suttle it can creep in.
I found myself the other day curled up on the couch, watching the Home and Garden channel, trying to figure out which dream home I would like to live in, while drinking my Starbucks coffee, snuggled in my new blanket. I also found myself the other day walking through Anthropology (one of my favorite stores) and imagining having a wealthy husband to let me shop all day and enjoy the lifestyle of a cute dream home all the while looking great in my fashionable clothes!

Oh what dreams I have! What the heck? Not that I am saying any of these things are bad, but where is my heart dwelling? How easy it is for me to listen to a few Dave Matthews or Yael Naim songs and get caught up with a comfortable life instead of getting captivated by the presence of Jesus!
Where is my heart? Where your heart is, there is your treasure. Where the heck is my treasure? In this earth? I just have to resist this temptation that my life is a pottery barn, soccer mom, shops all day kind of life! Yet again, allow me to reiterate,these are not all bad things, but this is not where I am going!

You think I am being religious? Good, perfect start, maybe you should examine your own heart because the fact that you are prone to thinking people are religious is just another example that you are feeling too guilty, too prideful, and feeling too much shame to confess it to Him. Trust me, I have been you and I am you a lot of the time.

Let's get real people and fess up! We do not have time to be wasting away in a laty da laty da life! What makes us think that actually pressing into the presence of the Lord more passionately would be boring? What holds us back from going deeper with Him? Why is there so much stinkin compromise, lethargy, lack of motivation, laziness, and lack of faith in our hearts to believe that He is who He says that He is?!

He satisfies us! He really does! It's not about how I feel or even what I believe. The truth is that He really satisfies the deepest part of my heart and my every need. The more I run to other things, the more my heart grows distant from Him. This is the very misery that I could dwell in if I choose it. It's time for me to choose to love even when I don't feel it. It's time for me to believe...

Oh that my heart would not grow dull! Oh Lord keep my eyes on You, and please give to me a willing spirit and a steadfast heart that I would not turn away!

Will You Stay the Course?

The Lord continuously grips my heart to remind me that the choice I made a long time ago to give my life to Him, though it was a simple "Yes," at the same time, it was a very hard road I was agreeing to take. It's a road that few find and a road where few faithfully stay. I wish sometimes that I could have had others running with me the whole time. You know, those who are cheering you on at the same time they are suffering with you!

Many people will come and go in your life. You will have those who will run with you for a season. They will understand you for a time and they will tell you that you can make it! However, when the winter comes, you will look to the right and they will be gone in an instant. Then, you may look to your left, and your favorite running partner is gone too.

God will take them away only to make you look in one direction: right in front of you. It's only when the others are gone, that you can start to see the only One who has been running with you the whole time. The One who has pledged Himself to you more than you have to Him and more than any other.

Will you choose to run when husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother, or friend has taken another journey, or a different path? What about if your leader, or favorite teacher leaves you behind to go their own way? Will you choose to stay on the path God has when this journey is only between two people: you and Him?

It's easy to say "yes" with our words, but when the rubber meets the road, will we truly stand the test? Will we let the winds blow on our lives with trial after trial and choose to be unoffended? Will we remain faithful even in the midst of heart ache? Better yet, why are we running anyway?

I have to admit, to answer these questions is painfully difficult because I am reminded of the times when it was so cold, dark, and I could not even see the light that was ahead. It was also like a valley and I couldn't see what was outside of it. It was like facing a mountain and not knowing what was on the other side. I thought to myself, "God, I just don't know if I can do this anymore. Is it worth it? I don't know what lies ahead. Can I trust you? I just don't know."

Maybe, I somewhat understand the pain that one must go through to get there, but am I still willing to answer? I say this in humility, but I think I want to choose to stay the course. No, I know I want to stay! I want to say "Yes" to Him no matter the cost. I declare this outloud to the world here and now! Wow, the weight of these words is pretty heavy even as I reread them to myself.

I have had many a winter, and I have survived them! I am still alive! I have seen the Lord's faithfulness when others have failed me and when I have failed myself. I have seen His faithfulness when I didn't know if I could keep running. He has sustained me through those times, He has healed me, and He has made me stronger.

In my young age, I am discovering that there is a true beauty in the refinement before the one is even refined. The process is difficult but so beautiful! My heart becomes alive when I am aware of my own depravity and my need for God. I know it is beautiful in His sight because the Psalmist said in Psalm 51 about God: "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." In fact, He delights in it!

In closing, I just want my spirit to be alive at all times! I don't want to grow bored and complacent whether in lonliness, trial, happy times, spring, winter, whatever the season. I don't want to run away from Him or hide in my shame. I don't want to run to other lovers to have the ache filled in my heart only to be let down yet again!

I want to know this God myself, not just what others say. I want to have my own encounters with Him not someone else's. I want to lay my head down at night and feel that I am alive not just because I am breathing! He is my only chance to have this happen. I have no other options! I have no other choice. I must stay the course. I say "Yes!"

The Meltdown...

So just when you think, you have it all together, God raises the temperature a little. In just a matter of an hour, everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong in the office today. There was no one to help me either. By this, I mean printing off contribution receipts, printers breaking, toners needing to be replaced, trying to print one thing and someone makes copies using your special paper you had just placed in the printer, not being able to find the right toner or knowing if we had any at all.

I knew something was wrong when I began to hit the printer and yell at it, as if it could somehow respond to me with the right answer. "Come on, what is wrong with you?" I finally reached my limit after almost kicking the copy machine in the copy room to shreds only to realize to myself, "Wow, I believe we have reached the meltdown." "Here we are, so what now?" This, in turn, led me to have a long talk with God. I fell to the floor in the copy room, flat on my back just staring at the ceiling. That's all I could do was just stare at the light and talk to God. "Why the heck is this happening God? What's the lie I am believing? Where did this come in? What's the truth?"

You know, I have done so many deliverance sessions, that now I can do it on myself right? Sure enough, God showed me very clearly in just a matter of a few seconds. All it took, was me, laying down and stopping it all. I had to shut it all down, or completely shut down, one or the other. Once God showed me the root of all that anger coming out of nowhere as it sometimes does right? At least, we try to tell ourselves that it came out of nowhere. No, no, my friend, it came from somewhere and something that has been in your heart for a looooong time! He was faithful to show me.

I liken the Lord in my life right now as a Potter and he is daily pushing, prodding, molding, taking apart, mashing, and well, let's be honest, just adding pressure after pressure in my life! Despite how painful it is, He has a goal in mind: for me to look like Him, smell like Him, and be like Him. He has a goal for me to talk like Him and walk like Him. The pressure is a sign that He is working in me an eternal weight of glory within these momentary, light afflictions. Therefore, take heart! Why so downcast oh my soul? Put your hope in God. Be still my soul, be still and know that He is God. These few phrases remind me that even the man after God's own heart had meltdowns! It's a sign that Jesus is near and He is working and He is very close.

I will say it was pretty humorous when Justin Jarvis, walked into the copy room and found me laying there on my back just staring away! "What are you doing?" He asked. I just replied with a calm, "Don't ask." It had to happen, it just had to happen.

All that to say, the day ended much better. The Lord came in power in our worship time in the service tonight and we ended up closing it in corporate prayer at our new building we are moving to April 12th. We wrote prophetic words on floors that will be completely redone and we prayed over it. Someone even played the trumpet looking instrument and it was amazing! God really showed me that this is a season of sending out as we leave this "hospital as it once was" of healing at The Forum building we have been in for 3 years. It's time to send them out as we move out. It's just an exciting time, and it's not about me! What a relief!